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The Story - Part Eight

This journey is going to take a turn.  While there is definitely going to be focus still on marriage, I am also going to add an element of "community" to the conversation, as well as parenting.  When you think about it, they all still go hand in hand.  So read on, think deeply, be changed.

I had left off at explaining the dangers of work toward a marriage...especially ministry.  For many reasons, I am glad that I didn't write this post several weeks ago.  God has taught me some absolutely mind-blowing things about this subject and about myself.

Allow me to reiterate something from Part Seven...

• The main reason you are drawn to the rewards of your work is because you are too lazy to work for the rewards of your marriage.

Go back.  Read that again.  Let it sink in and then continue.

Your job most likely contains very clear systems.  

• You know what is expected of you.  
• You know what you are NOT supposed to do.  
• You know what gets you noticed (for better or worse).  
• You know what gets you fired.  
• You know what gets you promoted...if you're lucky!  
• You know what time to be there.  
• You know how long you are expected to work. 

Your job is full of clarity.  Your marriage, at first look, is not.  It's a world of ambiguitities and conditionals.  Like a recent popular book states it, "Men are Like Waffles - Women are Like Spaghetti".  So how does God expect for men and women to successfully navigate through the mess of ambiguity and emotion and somehow muster up the courage to seek the rewards of a God-honoring marriage?  

Most bloggers, at this point, would use this kind of question to leverage at least two or three days worth of posts.  I don't have time for that.  There are too many other things to talk about.  Besides, there is ONE THING that will take your average marriage that is seemingly void of reward and turn it into something of wonder and beauty. 

Ready?

Surrender.

Don't lose yourself in what I am not saying.  I am not saying "submit woman!".  I am not saying "be a coward!".  But I AM saying surrender your life fully to Christ.  I can almost hear your disagreements now.  Allow me to pierce to the truth of the matter... if you're disagreeing, it's because you've never done it.  Your issue, men especially, is you... 

• don't love your wife as Christ loves you.  
• don't listen to your wife as Christ endures your often selfish prayers.  
• don't lead your wife as Christ leads His Church, with gentleness, patience, passion, power, and grace.  

Why am I not talking about the ladies?  I will, or maybe Margo will.  But for now, I am going to remain focused on men reclaiming who they are in Christ, and giving their lives over to Him.  It is only then you even stand the chance to become the husband you are created to be.  And it is only then you even stand a chance to find your marriage to be the most rewarding aspect of your life.

For starters, try getting before God and just giving YOURSELF over to Him.  Allow God to change YOU, and see if your spouse doesn't seem to respond more rewardingly to the NEW YOU.  Jesus, when talking to Peter along the shore, didn't endure Peter's questions about the other disciple.  He simply told Peter to worry about himself.  I think that's a good place for you to start as well.

More tomorrow.

Pause for A Cause

Hey all.  I have decided to take a brief break from the series of posts to tell you about something very important.  A very good friend of mine, Mark Cox, is launching an initiative to help a family who has literally lost everything just days before Christmas.  This is not something to gloss over.  We have a real opportunity here to be the body of Christ, no matter where you are from.  Take a look at this video, and then check out how you can be a part of a movement to Save Christmas for the Camps...

In case you missed it somehow, this family needs our help.  Quite frankly, I don't care if you live near them or not.  Can you imagine the impact it would have on this family for them to see the outpouring of God's people from all over this country?  Do you know what would happen if each of you gave $10 in some way?  First of all, you wouldn't even miss that money.  Second, there are, on average, 250-300 people reading this blog.  At just $10, we could send them $2500-$3000 dollars to get back on their feet!

Maybe your child could do with one less present this Christmas.  Maybe, instead of them opening it, take your child to UPS and ship it for the Camp children to open this Christmas.  The options of how you could sacrifice are endless, and the loss and pain the Camp family is feeling right now should make all of us feel ashamed for gripping tighter to our wallets.  Give. Give freely.  Watch how God transforms your heart..."for God loves a cheerful giver".

If you decide to give, comment back.  Let's encourage each other!  Let's floor this family with generosity!

Ready, Set, GO!

The Story - Part Seven

The Story - Part Six (The Work Trap)

Men and women who work, you need to pay very close attention to this post.  Read carefully, don’t skim.  Think deeply, and don’t stop until you apply what you read.

Men and women who are heavily involved in ministry, please take my advice: don’t print this or save it, but take the time to literally write this down in your journal or any piece of paper (you should have a journal).  Allow the process of transference to work these words into your heart and life.

I love ministry.

Sometimes, though, I love it too much.  Over the last few months, God has given me some pretty interesting insights into the beast of ministry.  But I will save that post for another time.  Today, I want to talk about work in general.  Whether you are in ministry or not, your job is one of the most significant potential obstacles to having a great marriage.  It was for me.

Before I go any further, allow me to give just a few questions for you to think about as you continue to read...

• Do you spend more time at work to avoid what may be waiting at home?
• Do you come up with excuses to go in early?  Stay late?  Not come home for lunch?
• Do you find yourself finding greater reward and fulfillment in your job than you do at home?

On December 5th, I posted four primary decisions that ultimately led to the affair.  The fourth reason I gave was that I hid behind my work/ministry.  Do you ever stop to think about the dangers that your job present to your spouse and family?  Something that Margo used to frequently say to me was, “you constantly choose your job and our church over me...I am just not that important to you”.  She was right.

Looking back, I can identify three primary traps that draw a person toward extra effort at work and minimal effort at home. They are...

• Work goals and rewards are clearly defined.
• Success at work is practical and tangible.
• Work demands are based on attaining results.

This list is, by no means, exhaustive.  But what this list does contain is a lot of things that matter to a guy like me.  And most likely these items are important to you too.  The reason they are important to you is the very reason why your job will appeal to you often more than your marriage UNLESS you keep your priorities in line with they way God has called for us to live in life, marriage, family, and work.

Some food for thought...

• The Book of Mark tells us that no one should come between the unity of a marriage.  This includes your boss.
• The main reason you are drawn to the rewards of your work is because you are too lazy to work for the rewards of your marriage.
• Your spouse can give you such incredible fulfillment in life, and they deserve your effort!  They are your greatest earthly treasure (look here to read more on that).

More on the subject of work tomorrow.

The Story - Part Six (Margo's Second Post)

There have been some people who are concerned that David did not say that he went as far as to kiss this woman that he was emotionally involved with for a couple weeks.   As far as David and I are concerned the main issue was that David was giving his heart away.  Neither of us believe that it would have added anything to his first blog to say this.  In fact I didn’t even think about this detail because his heart and my heart have always been the main focus.   We were not trying to hide anything by how David explained the situation. We are very free about sharing this in conversations that we have had.  However, if others need to see this written in the blog to know that we desire to speak all truth, here it is.

 

Please know that David and I are willing to be very open about our journey and many of the details.  However, there are some details that we will not be sharing, as some things would only hurt others.   This would not be beneficial for the main purpose of this blog and that is to bring honor to our God and healing and hope to others.  Many people have experienced hurt during all of this. Dwelling on those hurts or the technicalities of those hurts does not help anyone to heal.   

 

It is my hope and prayer that as David and I share our story that people will not be looking for what they want to hear, or how they think that we should be working through things. I wish that each of you could be walking with us physically so that you could visually see all the ways that David and I have changed and are continuing to change.  Since we can’t walk beside each of you, this blog serves that purpose as best it can.  

 

I am not married to the man that everyone knew 6 months ago and David is not married to the woman from that time either.  God has done and continues to do radical heart change.  I know that some people think that this has happened too quickly to be real.  But how many people do you know who engage in an affair and lose their job because of it and their whole life has to change?  Everything in our lives changed!  David lost his job and we moved away from the people who had become like family.  We have had to rely on God more than we ever have at any other point in our lives.

 

Through all of this I have come to truly realize that my God does love each of us so very much. That He really does want to take what was meant for evil and use it beyond anything we can imagine, if we let Him.  I hope that as you read our thoughts over the days and weeks to come that you are encouraged, challenged and blessed by all that God is doing in our lives.   

The Story - Part Five (Guest Blog: My Wife!)

I wanted to give Margo opportunity to occasionally interject her thoughts and share her part of our journey over the last six months.  She will be contributing often over the next couple weeks, and maybe even more in the future if she catches "the bug"!  I value her side of this story, and I hope you can find it just as valuable to you.

Here are her words...

I can clearly remember when David told me he was emotionally involved with another woman. I couldn’t believe that this could happen to us.  I can imagine that when many of you heard what happened for the first time, you probably had a similar reaction.  Was I completely blindsided by this?  No.  This may not make a lot of sense when I just said that I couldn’t believe that it had happened.  Let me explain.

Two weeks before I found out about David’s involvement with another woman, he had come to talk with me.  He told me that he was feeling vulnerable towards this other woman.  Do you know what I did?  Nothing!  I thought too highly of my husband, my marriage and myself.  I didn’t think that there was any chance that anything would come of it.    During those two weeks, David and I were definitely struggling.  I thought that it was mainly due to having a newborn. David was never home and always had something going on.  This made me more and more angry, which in turn made David want to be home less and less.  If he was gone I was angry, if he was there I was angry. 

 

A couple days before David shared with me what was going on, I was talking with a friend of mine who had gone through a divorce.  I actually had this thought in my head of how sad this was for her and how lucky I was that David and I had a strong marriage.  Sure we were struggling at the moment, but I was convinced it would pass and work itself out.   No marriage is affair proof.  I know we hear this, but… 

 

·     Do you really believe it?

·     Do you believe that you need to protect and fight for your marriage?

·     Do you know that if you are beginning to feel something towards someone other than your spouse, you cannot take this lightly?

 

If either of you is feeling vulnerable, share with each other.  But don’t just leave it at sharing like we did, do something about it.  Talk with someone outside of your marriage that you respect, someone who can keep you accountable and get to the root of why you are feeling vulnerable.  God created you for your spouse and your spouse for you. As David spoke on earlier, there is no greater earthly treasure. 

 

What are you going to do today to protect your marriage for tomorrow?

 

I look forward to sharing more of my heart in the days to come.

The Story - Part Four

My daughter, Emerson, is a sweet girl.  I love her tremendously, and I am in awe of all the gifts and abilities God has given her.  One of her strengths is in her intelligence.  No, I am not just being a proud father (even though I am), she really is very bright.

A partner to intelligence, however, is the ability to manipulate and coerce.  Recently, these things have become more evident, especially in the area of blame.  Somehow, Emerson comes up with a way to fix the blame on someone else during a conflict.  And you know what they say...the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  This is not something I am proud of, but I feel like I often have the ability to manipulate, convince, and persuade people over to my ideas or ways of thinking.  While this can be good, when used for God’s purpose or glory, this also can be self-serving and sinful.

Keep this in mind...

Your strengths are often the source of your greatest failures.

During the time my affections were being given to another woman, I spent nearly the entire time justifying my actions.  I passed the entire blame on to Margo.  The interesting thing is I knew I was sinning.  I knew my actions were to blame.  I knew that, in reality, Margo wasn’t at fault at all.  Yet, in order for me to continue in my sin behavior, I needed a scapegoat.

In the Old Testament, a scapegoat is literally the animal used during the tradition of Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement.  The sins of the Israelites are spoken over the head of a young goat.  Once the sins of the Israelite nation had been “placed” on the goat, the animal is released into the wild to be destroyed.  I want you to understand that I use the word “scapegoat” very intentionally.  I literally was placing my sins on the head of my wife, causing her to carry the burden of my attitude and action (or inaction) toward her.  Not only that, but my heart was willing to let her wander into the wilderness of relational despair so that I didn’t have to feel the sorrow or pain of my sin.  Many of you reading this blog have never experienced any type of affair in your marriage, but don’t be mistaken.  This type of attitude happens all the time in every kind of relationship.  

Some things to think about...

• Have you ever caused someone to feel guilty for exposing your weaknesses?
• Have you ever made someone else feel bad for making you feel bad?
• Have you ever pointed out a fault in someone else and made it the reason for your behavior?
• Have you ever argued your point long enough just so the other person will give up?
• Have you ever avoided certain topics in discussion to ensure your flaws are not exposed?
• Have you ever been quick to criticize the actions of others when you, yourself, possess the same character flaw?

In Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus gives his audience a difficult truth.  Through this experience I have learned that I especially cannot use my spouse as my personal scapegoat.  My wife, Margo, deserves for me to be a man and own up to my own personal failures and shortcomings.  Not only does she deserve for me to own those failures, but this passage in Matthew calls for me to “remove the speck” in my own eye.  This means action!  

It’s a big deal to admit a failure or a shortcoming.  It’s an even bigger deal to fix it.

Take some time today to identify how you are making a scapegoat out of your spouse.  How are you imposing your sin or failings on them?  Is your spouse paying a price for your failures or weaknesses?  Do you cause your spouse to feel hurt or sadness so that you don’t have to fix your problems?

Let the truth of Matthew 7:3-5 sink in to core of your marriage.  Confess what you find before God, ask Him to transform you, and allow your spouse to be free.  You will find yourself to be free as well.

More tomorrow.

The Story - Part Three

Why do our hearts and minds fall for the trap of believing that “new is better”?

Keep that in mind as you continue to read...

During the brief time that I was allowing my heart to be turned away from my wife and toward another, this was a primary thought in my head.  Matter of fact, the more I thought about it, the more I believed it.  I began comparing everything between my wife and this other woman.  I compared personality, ambitions, dreams, appearance, experiences, and nearly everything that would have been available to compare.

Make sure not to get me wrong on what I am about to say.

It was exactly how I feel about things like my cell phone or my car.  Most of you know precisely what I am talking about, and if you have somehow convinced yourself that you don’t know what I am talking about then most likely you are lying to yourself.  We always want the new thing!  For the last couple months, I have been a Palm Pre user.  The phone is truly great!  I love all that I can do with it, love most everything about it...until I see an ad for the iPhone, or when I walk into the Sprint store and see the phones that come with the new Google Android technology.  How is it that I can look at a REALLY NICE phone in my hand and think it’s not enough?

Here’s the truth: I want the new phone because the new phone makes me feel new or better without actually having to work for it.

When it came to my marriage, I wanted something new.  Want to know why?  

• New meant starting over (at least in my mind).  
• New meant that I didn’t have to improve my own heart or character to see growth in my relationship with Margo.  
• New meant I could cycle through “my material” and someone would find me interesting again.  

During our process of healing and restoration, I was reminded of something mentioned in Proverbs 18:22,  “the man who finds a wife finds a TREASURE and he receives favor from the Lord.”

If you hold the very Word of God to be true, accurate, and beneficial you CANNOT ignore the vast truth of this verse!  A wife is a treasure!  Not only is she a treasure, she is something that God himself considers to be a treasure!  AND THAT’S NOT ALL!  The one who finds this treasure receives favor from God!

favor...from God...does that not blow your mind?!

Men - a wife is a treasure.  The Bible doesn’t say that you are.  She is.  Someone who holds a treasure is someone that was counted worthy of having that treasure.  God gave you your wife because He believed you to be worthy of caring for and protecting such a wonderful treasure.  Men, we have no right to treat our treasure like trash.  Love her and lift her up.  Remind her of her worth with your words and actions.  

And if you don’t like how she’s treating you it’s probably because you have heaped so much trash on your treasure that she is behaving precisely how you have treated her.

Love her and unearth the treasure that God gave you.  I did, and she is beautiful.

More tomorrow.

The Story - Part Two

The Story - Part Two

So many of you are probably wondering how it all happened.  How did I lose sight of my marriage and get emotionally involved with someone else?  How could I let that happen?  I briefly touched on that yesterday, but today I want to get right into the reality of what happened, and what God has since taught me.

To be direct, there were four things that led to these decisions:

• I allowed my selfish nature to control me.
• I convinced myself I deserved something better.
• I lied to myself that it was Margo’s fault.
• I hid behind my work/ministry.

In a conversation with a friend today, he explained that he is convinced nearly every problem that arises in a relationship is rooted in selfishness.  I happen to agree.  Think about the most recent disagreement or argument you had with another person.  If you’re married, think about the most recent disagreement with your spouse.  This exercise is not restricted to marriage though!  This happens everywhere: home, school, work, social settings, phone conversations, Facebook, etc!

Now that you have got that disagreement in mind, identify the selfish motives or behavior and not just on the part of the other person!  Where were you selfish?  

What would have been different if you had chosen humility over selfishness?

Why is this important?  Because Jesus and the Bible say it’s important.

Here are a couple things to keep in mind the next time your selfish nature wants to rise up:

• You are not as great as you think you are.  Matter of fact, you were never meant to be great! God was meant to be great in you!  God should be SO great that people don’t even see you and me but rather a reflection of Jesus Christ! (Romans 12:3)
• Let someone else lift you up.  We all know someone like this.  They spend so much time giving themselves praise they leave no room for anyone else to do it for them!  The reality is, most of us are only one step away from being just like “that person”.  The difference?  We think it, they say it.  

God has clearly shown me that, in order to love my wife (or any person for that matter), I need to hate my life.  I need to hate it so much that I cease to let it live.  I need to allow my life to be fully identified with the cross of Christ (Gal. 2:20).  I need to allow my life to suffer the same death that Christ died.  Christ did not die for you or me so that we could hang on to the life we have; he died and then conquered death to give us new life (2 Cor. 5:17)

Love people today.  Love your spouse.  Love your kids.  Love your parents.  And do it because Christ loves you, and He loves them too.  

And then watch the change...in you.

More tomorrow.

The Story - Part One

When Margo and I were married in August of 1998, I can clearly remember the image of her walking down the aisle.  I remember the heat rising to my face, resulting in a smile that to most onlookers probably appeared goofy and childish.  How could I help it though?  She was stunning that day, my prize.

But the harder truth to admit is the ease of which I lose sight of the value and radiant beauty that Margo possesses.  I get selfish, arrogant, and proud.  At the core of what I confessed happened yesterday (you can read it here), was my selfishness.  I didn’t feel like I was being loved how I deserved. I felt like someone else could do a much better job at loving me.  I felt like Margo didn’t see how important and amazing I really was.

Ugly right?

When I was willing to peel back the layers of deceit I was choosing to live under, here is what I realized: I wasn’t amazing. How could Margo see or even sense my worth when I spent little to no time helping her to find hers?

In the days immediately following my confession to both Margo and my church, God began to teach me something pretty incredible.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's Word (Eph. 5:21 NLT)

As I read this, God spoke into me with a question: When does the church ever love my Son as He deserves?

Translation: it doesn’t matter if my wife deserves to be loved.  I love my wife because I am a living example of the life of Christ!  How dare I love her with any less love than I have been given by my Savior?

To anyone reading who is married, please take this to heart.  Husbands, you are only as great as how much your wife is loved by you.  In the realm of husbands, there is no other standard.  Want to feel great about yourself?  Make her feel great, and if you don’t want to do that then just go on feeling like an idiot.  Just saying.

Wives, you will get your perspective in the coming days from Margo.  I am not a wife, and so I am not even going to bury myself in that hole, trying to sound like I know what I am talking about in that department!

More tomorrow.

Renewal

I have been gone from my blog since... March 3rd of this year (had to go back and look!).  The reasons are many, and I am going to be posting a series of blogs over the next few weeks to do the following:

• explain what has been going on in my life and ministry
• share what God has been doing in my life, marriage, family, and ministry
• offer some very serious insights on what God has taught me over the last few months
• share what God has in store for my family and me in the near future

If you have not been a previous reader of my blog, I want to challenge you to check in daily, or better yet, subscribe via RSS or whatever feed or reader you use.  Here's why you need to do this: there is not one person on this planet who is not bombarded by temptation to get off the path that leads to becoming more like Christ.

With that being said, I want to offer my confession.  Many of you already are aware of my failing but for those of you who are not yet aware, here it is:

I had an emotional affair that caused me to lose some people and things that are very dear to me, and almost cost me the most important people and things in my life.

But it didn't.  My marriage is intact, my family is together, and my God still loves me and presses me forward into His image and His future for me.  It is in the light of those truths that I will offer you the entire journey up until now.  I will hold no truth back, except to protect others who were a part of this story.  In the last six weeks, the discoveries and lessons learned have become so clear.  You will most likely see a few guest blogs pop up here from Margo (my wife), and some others who have been a part of this healing and growth process.

Do not miss this.  It may contain the very thing you need to do what Hebrews 12:1 brings as a challenge. The honesty of your comments is welcome and I will be praying for each of you who read over the next few weeks.  May God use my sin, pain, and healing to bring hope, strength, and resolve to your heart. 

Next post tomorrow.