My daughter, Emerson, is a sweet girl. I love her tremendously, and I am in awe of all the gifts and abilities God has given her. One of her strengths is in her intelligence. No, I am not just being a proud father (even though I am), she really is very bright.
A partner to intelligence, however, is the ability to manipulate and coerce. Recently, these things have become more evident, especially in the area of blame. Somehow, Emerson comes up with a way to fix the blame on someone else during a conflict. And you know what they say...the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. This is not something I am proud of, but I feel like I often have the ability to manipulate, convince, and persuade people over to my ideas or ways of thinking. While this can be good, when used for God’s purpose or glory, this also can be self-serving and sinful.
Keep this in mind...
Your strengths are often the source of your greatest failures.
During the time my affections were being given to another woman, I spent nearly the entire time justifying my actions. I passed the entire blame on to Margo. The interesting thing is I knew I was sinning. I knew my actions were to blame. I knew that, in reality, Margo wasn’t at fault at all. Yet, in order for me to continue in my sin behavior, I needed a scapegoat.
In the Old Testament, a scapegoat is literally the animal used during the tradition of Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement. The sins of the Israelites are spoken over the head of a young goat. Once the sins of the Israelite nation had been “placed” on the goat, the animal is released into the wild to be destroyed. I want you to understand that I use the word “scapegoat” very intentionally. I literally was placing my sins on the head of my wife, causing her to carry the burden of my attitude and action (or inaction) toward her. Not only that, but my heart was willing to let her wander into the wilderness of relational despair so that I didn’t have to feel the sorrow or pain of my sin. Many of you reading this blog have never experienced any type of affair in your marriage, but don’t be mistaken. This type of attitude happens all the time in every kind of relationship.
Some things to think about...
- Have you ever caused someone to feel guilty for exposing your weaknesses?
- Have you ever made someone else feel bad for making you feel bad?
- Have you ever pointed out a fault in someone else and made it the reason for your behavior?
- Have you ever argued your point long enough just so the other person will give up?
- Have you ever avoided certain topics in discussion to ensure your flaws are not exposed?
- Have you ever been quick to criticize the actions of others when you, yourself, possess the same character flaw?
In Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus gives his audience a difficult truth. Through this experience I have learned that I especially cannot use my spouse as my personal scapegoat. My wife, Margo, deserves for me to be a man and own up to my own personal failures and shortcomings. Not only does she deserve for me to own those failures, but this passage in Matthew calls for me to “remove the speck” in my own eye. This means action!
It’s a big deal to admit a failure or a shortcoming. It’s an even bigger deal to fix it.
Take some time today to identify how you are making a scapegoat out of your spouse. How are you imposing your sin or failings on them? Is your spouse paying a price for your failures or weaknesses? Do you cause your spouse to feel hurt or sadness so that you don’t have to fix your problems?
Let the truth of Matthew 7:3-5 sink in to core of your marriage. Confess what you find before God, ask Him to transform you, and allow your spouse to be free. You will find yourself to be free as well.
More tomorrow.
Hey, Dave. Amanda & I were talking last night about this blog. Although I have read 1/2 of them I had no idea I could actually post a comment on someone else's blog. (Obviously, I'm not very tech saavy) That being said, you will likely hear from me more frequently now. Thank you for these words from your open hearts. It ministers to me and, I'm sure, to many others. Thank you, specifically for speaking to the root of the many problems that abound these days----our own prideful, self-absorbed hearts. More from me later. For now...I'm waiting with baited breath for the next post.....not that my breath smells like fish chum, but you know what I mean.
Posted by: Randy Thress | December 10, 2009 at 10:18 PM