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The Story - Part Four

My daughter, Emerson, is a sweet girl.  I love her tremendously, and I am in awe of all the gifts and abilities God has given her.  One of her strengths is in her intelligence.  No, I am not just being a proud father (even though I am), she really is very bright.

A partner to intelligence, however, is the ability to manipulate and coerce.  Recently, these things have become more evident, especially in the area of blame.  Somehow, Emerson comes up with a way to fix the blame on someone else during a conflict.  And you know what they say...the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  This is not something I am proud of, but I feel like I often have the ability to manipulate, convince, and persuade people over to my ideas or ways of thinking.  While this can be good, when used for God’s purpose or glory, this also can be self-serving and sinful.

Keep this in mind...

Your strengths are often the source of your greatest failures.

During the time my affections were being given to another woman, I spent nearly the entire time justifying my actions.  I passed the entire blame on to Margo.  The interesting thing is I knew I was sinning.  I knew my actions were to blame.  I knew that, in reality, Margo wasn’t at fault at all.  Yet, in order for me to continue in my sin behavior, I needed a scapegoat.

In the Old Testament, a scapegoat is literally the animal used during the tradition of Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement.  The sins of the Israelites are spoken over the head of a young goat.  Once the sins of the Israelite nation had been “placed” on the goat, the animal is released into the wild to be destroyed.  I want you to understand that I use the word “scapegoat” very intentionally.  I literally was placing my sins on the head of my wife, causing her to carry the burden of my attitude and action (or inaction) toward her.  Not only that, but my heart was willing to let her wander into the wilderness of relational despair so that I didn’t have to feel the sorrow or pain of my sin.  Many of you reading this blog have never experienced any type of affair in your marriage, but don’t be mistaken.  This type of attitude happens all the time in every kind of relationship.  

Some things to think about...

• Have you ever caused someone to feel guilty for exposing your weaknesses?
• Have you ever made someone else feel bad for making you feel bad?
• Have you ever pointed out a fault in someone else and made it the reason for your behavior?
• Have you ever argued your point long enough just so the other person will give up?
• Have you ever avoided certain topics in discussion to ensure your flaws are not exposed?
• Have you ever been quick to criticize the actions of others when you, yourself, possess the same character flaw?

In Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus gives his audience a difficult truth.  Through this experience I have learned that I especially cannot use my spouse as my personal scapegoat.  My wife, Margo, deserves for me to be a man and own up to my own personal failures and shortcomings.  Not only does she deserve for me to own those failures, but this passage in Matthew calls for me to “remove the speck” in my own eye.  This means action!  

It’s a big deal to admit a failure or a shortcoming.  It’s an even bigger deal to fix it.

Take some time today to identify how you are making a scapegoat out of your spouse.  How are you imposing your sin or failings on them?  Is your spouse paying a price for your failures or weaknesses?  Do you cause your spouse to feel hurt or sadness so that you don’t have to fix your problems?

Let the truth of Matthew 7:3-5 sink in to core of your marriage.  Confess what you find before God, ask Him to transform you, and allow your spouse to be free.  You will find yourself to be free as well.

More tomorrow.

The Story - Part Three

Why do our hearts and minds fall for the trap of believing that “new is better”?

Keep that in mind as you continue to read...

During the brief time that I was allowing my heart to be turned away from my wife and toward another, this was a primary thought in my head.  Matter of fact, the more I thought about it, the more I believed it.  I began comparing everything between my wife and this other woman.  I compared personality, ambitions, dreams, appearance, experiences, and nearly everything that would have been available to compare.

Make sure not to get me wrong on what I am about to say.

It was exactly how I feel about things like my cell phone or my car.  Most of you know precisely what I am talking about, and if you have somehow convinced yourself that you don’t know what I am talking about then most likely you are lying to yourself.  We always want the new thing!  For the last couple months, I have been a Palm Pre user.  The phone is truly great!  I love all that I can do with it, love most everything about it...until I see an ad for the iPhone, or when I walk into the Sprint store and see the phones that come with the new Google Android technology.  How is it that I can look at a REALLY NICE phone in my hand and think it’s not enough?

Here’s the truth: I want the new phone because the new phone makes me feel new or better without actually having to work for it.

When it came to my marriage, I wanted something new.  Want to know why?  

• New meant starting over (at least in my mind).  
• New meant that I didn’t have to improve my own heart or character to see growth in my relationship with Margo.  
• New meant I could cycle through “my material” and someone would find me interesting again.  

During our process of healing and restoration, I was reminded of something mentioned in Proverbs 18:22,  “the man who finds a wife finds a TREASURE and he receives favor from the Lord.”

If you hold the very Word of God to be true, accurate, and beneficial you CANNOT ignore the vast truth of this verse!  A wife is a treasure!  Not only is she a treasure, she is something that God himself considers to be a treasure!  AND THAT’S NOT ALL!  The one who finds this treasure receives favor from God!

favor...from God...does that not blow your mind?!

Men - a wife is a treasure.  The Bible doesn’t say that you are.  She is.  Someone who holds a treasure is someone that was counted worthy of having that treasure.  God gave you your wife because He believed you to be worthy of caring for and protecting such a wonderful treasure.  Men, we have no right to treat our treasure like trash.  Love her and lift her up.  Remind her of her worth with your words and actions.  

And if you don’t like how she’s treating you it’s probably because you have heaped so much trash on your treasure that she is behaving precisely how you have treated her.

Love her and unearth the treasure that God gave you.  I did, and she is beautiful.

More tomorrow.

The Story - Part Two

The Story - Part Two

So many of you are probably wondering how it all happened.  How did I lose sight of my marriage and get emotionally involved with someone else?  How could I let that happen?  I briefly touched on that yesterday, but today I want to get right into the reality of what happened, and what God has since taught me.

To be direct, there were four things that led to these decisions:

• I allowed my selfish nature to control me.
• I convinced myself I deserved something better.
• I lied to myself that it was Margo’s fault.
• I hid behind my work/ministry.

In a conversation with a friend today, he explained that he is convinced nearly every problem that arises in a relationship is rooted in selfishness.  I happen to agree.  Think about the most recent disagreement or argument you had with another person.  If you’re married, think about the most recent disagreement with your spouse.  This exercise is not restricted to marriage though!  This happens everywhere: home, school, work, social settings, phone conversations, Facebook, etc!

Now that you have got that disagreement in mind, identify the selfish motives or behavior and not just on the part of the other person!  Where were you selfish?  

What would have been different if you had chosen humility over selfishness?

Why is this important?  Because Jesus and the Bible say it’s important.

Here are a couple things to keep in mind the next time your selfish nature wants to rise up:

• You are not as great as you think you are.  Matter of fact, you were never meant to be great! God was meant to be great in you!  God should be SO great that people don’t even see you and me but rather a reflection of Jesus Christ! (Romans 12:3)
• Let someone else lift you up.  We all know someone like this.  They spend so much time giving themselves praise they leave no room for anyone else to do it for them!  The reality is, most of us are only one step away from being just like “that person”.  The difference?  We think it, they say it.  

God has clearly shown me that, in order to love my wife (or any person for that matter), I need to hate my life.  I need to hate it so much that I cease to let it live.  I need to allow my life to be fully identified with the cross of Christ (Gal. 2:20).  I need to allow my life to suffer the same death that Christ died.  Christ did not die for you or me so that we could hang on to the life we have; he died and then conquered death to give us new life (2 Cor. 5:17)

Love people today.  Love your spouse.  Love your kids.  Love your parents.  And do it because Christ loves you, and He loves them too.  

And then watch the change...in you.

More tomorrow.

The Story - Part One

When Margo and I were married in August of 1998, I can clearly remember the image of her walking down the aisle.  I remember the heat rising to my face, resulting in a smile that to most onlookers probably appeared goofy and childish.  How could I help it though?  She was stunning that day, my prize.

But the harder truth to admit is the ease of which I lose sight of the value and radiant beauty that Margo possesses.  I get selfish, arrogant, and proud.  At the core of what I confessed happened yesterday (you can read it here), was my selfishness.  I didn’t feel like I was being loved how I deserved. I felt like someone else could do a much better job at loving me.  I felt like Margo didn’t see how important and amazing I really was.

Ugly right?

When I was willing to peel back the layers of deceit I was choosing to live under, here is what I realized: I wasn’t amazing. How could Margo see or even sense my worth when I spent little to no time helping her to find hers?

In the days immediately following my confession to both Margo and my church, God began to teach me something pretty incredible.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's Word (Eph. 5:21 NLT)

As I read this, God spoke into me with a question: When does the church ever love my Son as He deserves?

Translation: it doesn’t matter if my wife deserves to be loved.  I love my wife because I am a living example of the life of Christ!  How dare I love her with any less love than I have been given by my Savior?

To anyone reading who is married, please take this to heart.  Husbands, you are only as great as how much your wife is loved by you.  In the realm of husbands, there is no other standard.  Want to feel great about yourself?  Make her feel great, and if you don’t want to do that then just go on feeling like an idiot.  Just saying.

Wives, you will get your perspective in the coming days from Margo.  I am not a wife, and so I am not even going to bury myself in that hole, trying to sound like I know what I am talking about in that department!

More tomorrow.

Renewal

I have been gone from my blog since... March 3rd of this year (had to go back and look!).  The reasons are many, and I am going to be posting a series of blogs over the next few weeks to do the following:

• explain what has been going on in my life and ministry
• share what God has been doing in my life, marriage, family, and ministry
• offer some very serious insights on what God has taught me over the last few months
• share what God has in store for my family and me in the near future

If you have not been a previous reader of my blog, I want to challenge you to check in daily, or better yet, subscribe via RSS or whatever feed or reader you use.  Here's why you need to do this: there is not one person on this planet who is not bombarded by temptation to get off the path that leads to becoming more like Christ.

With that being said, I want to offer my confession.  Many of you already are aware of my failing but for those of you who are not yet aware, here it is:

I had an emotional affair that caused me to lose some people and things that are very dear to me, and almost cost me the most important people and things in my life.

But it didn't.  My marriage is intact, my family is together, and my God still loves me and presses me forward into His image and His future for me.  It is in the light of those truths that I will offer you the entire journey up until now.  I will hold no truth back, except to protect others who were a part of this story.  In the last six weeks, the discoveries and lessons learned have become so clear.  You will most likely see a few guest blogs pop up here from Margo (my wife), and some others who have been a part of this healing and growth process.

Do not miss this.  It may contain the very thing you need to do what Hebrews 12:1 brings as a challenge. The honesty of your comments is welcome and I will be praying for each of you who read over the next few weeks.  May God use my sin, pain, and healing to bring hope, strength, and resolve to your heart. 

Next post tomorrow.

Read, Watch, and Change.

I apologize for the lack of posts lately.  I attribute it purely to laziness.  However, I am back in the saddle with a post that I pray will spark your soul to really change your life.  I am going home TODAY to change some things in mine.  Allow me to pose a question, and then watch the video below:

What do you spend your resources on that you think you're entitled to?  And what do you realize you DON'T need after watching this video... drink deeply from what you're about to watch.  Leave your comments.  I want to hear how this affects you.

A Very Valuable 4:55

This video came across my email yesterday.  The video speaks for itself... let's get a conversation going on this one.

Winterfest '08 Day One

700!  That is an impressive number in many ways.  For example, if someone gave you 700 dollars, you would be incredibly happy!  What if you had 700 days of vacation built up?  How about 700 free meals at your favorite restaurant?  700 friends on Facebook?  700 gallons of free gas?  700 presents on Christmas or your birthday?  The list could go on forever!  But let's just get to the bottom line... 700 is a lot!

But what if that number was attached to the following phrase...

700 students began a relationship with Jesus Christ last night!

Winterfest started off with an incredible, God-sized experience last night when Clayton King spoke undeniable truth to over 5000 students about their desperate and personal need to be saved by Jesus Christ.  It was awesome!  

Here's a quick heart challenge.  Does that excite you more than the first list of 700 things?  If not, take some time to consider the greatness of your salvation and the size of the one and only God who so freely gives it.

You Know You Want To Know!

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

A Little Family Holiday Cheer!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards